The Mad Tea Party

On a path just past the Duchess’ house lies an architectural curiosity. The design of the March Hare’s house resembles a rabbit, with long, ear-shaped chimneys, and it is thatched in fur.

A large table stands in front of the house, set for evening tea. This tea is presided over by a short, large-nosed man who wears an out-sized hat. He clearly suffers from some type of mania, as evidenced by his nearly incoherent verbal output.

Another unusual circumstance here: it is perpetually six o’clock in the evening and so always tea-time. The aforementioned manic Hatter was once a singer, but performed so poorly that he was accused of murdering time. Time will now not have any dealings with him, and so has locked him into this early evening hour.

The tea party is in constant motion. As it is always tea time, but never time to wash up afterwards, new place settings are not available, so the party must shift from one part of the long table to another. The timing of these shifts is as unpredictable as the host himself.

The entertainment at the tea party revolves around the asking of riddles, most of which seem to have no answer. There is also the telling of tales, but due to the host’s mania, it is very rare that one of these tales moves very far before it is interrupted and forgotten. One may also participate in dormouse dunking. 

The host is also notable for his rudeness, and party attendees are cautioned to be ready for personal remarks on their appearance or intelligence.

Those who leave the tea party, and it nearly impossible to stay for more than a few minutes and remain sane, will soon find themselves on the Queen’s croquet grounds.

Talking Heads' "Heaven"

Those who want to visit this popular night spot are advised to arrive early. Lines are long, as it seems everybody is trying to get into the bar. Odd, really, because Heaven’s slogan is “The Place Where Nothing Ever Happens.”

The reason for Heaven’s success is simple: predictability. They have found a formula and stuck with it. Although this leads to a lack of variety, patrons can be assured of a good time. The house band, for example, plays your favorite song, exclusively, all night long.

The nightly party is a regimented affair. We caution patrons to be alert as the evening draws to a close, when there is a rush for the door. Everybody who is there will leave at exactly the same time. But don’t worry, the party starts again immediately.

Although the above description makes Heaven sound like a boring place to spend an evening, those who have attended a party there are in unanimous agreement that this kind of nothing is actually exciting and fun.

But some people think this is fun.

The Death Star

The Death Star was built when the Galactic Empire decided to tighten its already strong grip on its constituent planetary systems. The idea was to construct a super-weapon powerful enough to destroy a planet in mere seconds and thus terrorize every planet into submission. The result was a moon-sized battle station capable of interplanetary travel.

As for calling it “The Death Star” we can only assume that the Empire’s PR team was on vacation when the name was decided on. Although it is refreshingly direct in today’s culture of sesquipedalian obfuscation, the name “Death Star” also seems too intimidating and runs the risk of inspiring the sort of rebellion it is meant to quash. Just sitting here, I have come up with “Roving Orbital Security Enhancement System” (or ROSES).

I couldn't come up with one that spelled out "KITTENS"

This is beside the point. 

The Death Star experience begins even before arrival. The approach itself will inspire awe in even the most jaded traveler. The sheer size of this space station becomes apparent as soon as one jumps out of hyperspace. The panoramas continue in the docking bay. Clever use of field generators allows the bay to be open to the sky at all times, giving a breath-taking view of the stars. Each stop on the tour is designed to impress the tourist with the power and size of The Death Star, from the operations room to the weapons room, where the planet-destroying beam is fired. The tour ends on the observation platform suspended above the core. The view from here goes straight down through The Death Star, which seems to stretch away to infinity beneath one’s feet.

There is a gift shop for souvenir hounds, and the merchandise available is being constantly updated. Stocks change as the planets that supply the knick-knacks and toys are blown up.

Post your own improved Death Star acronym in the comments. 

Thebes

Thebes was at the center of mythological life in Ancient Greece. It is a place full of tragedy, drama and intrigue. It is full of stories of brother plotting against brother, father against son and is the sort of place where one can accidentally become one’s own stepfather.

The Thebans themselves are a high-strung people and not to be trifled with. Conflicts are settled with combat, and, antigonistic to a fault, some Thebans will literally kill themselves just to prove a point.

Visitors to Thebes marvel the site of the first civil service exam. In contrast to modern testing, this exam was not administered by a humorless government drone. The monitor was a monster with the body of a lion and the head of a woman. The one question was on the topic of zoology. Get the answer right, and you could be king. Get it wrong and you would be devoured. 

So bring a sharpened No. 2 pencil.

This was the system used to establish governments before the advent of our more enlightened method.

Also located here in the palace is the setting of the world’s first known murder mystery. At its core was the question as to who killed the former king of Thebes. The story contains nearly every technique in the mystery-writer’s arsenal: red herrings, false accusations, misread clues, hidden family secrets and a boffo surprise that sets the standard for twist(ed) endings.

As always, travelers tales are encouraged in the comments.

Hogwarts

There is a game of one-upsmanship played by seasoned travelers everywhere. The goal is to visit the most obscure or exotic locales ("There’s this great little village in the Ecuadorean mountains…"). The travelers who play this game disdain typical tourist destinations.

However, there are some places so inspiring or fascinating that they are worth the visit, no matter how many people have been there before, or how commercial the destination has become. The Tower of London, the Grand Canyon and Bourbon Street all fall into this category. There are reasons that these places become so heavily visited. There is something there that draws people from around the globe, and appeals to every kind of traveler. One other such place is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Hogwarts has been written about so extensively that no review of its offerings is necessary here. Most tourists here have portions of the visit that they enjoy and look forward to with every trip. This writer likes to drop by the Room of Requirement and marvel at its ability to know what one needs and to provide, even temporarily, for that need. Another favorite stop on the tour is the Headmaster’s office. It is a museum of knick-knacks and instruments that fill one with envy. The pensieve stands out in this regard.

One thing that sets Hogwarts apart from other popular destinations is that there are no appointed tour guides. Each room is hung with animated paintings that are able, but are sometimes reluctant, to answer questions.

We ask that you write about your visit to Hogwarts, and your favorite portions of the tour, in the comments.

Bookholm Catacombs

Bookholm is a city built entirely on literature. This is not simply a metaphor describing the main economic activity of this city. The caves that cut deep beneath Bookholm are filled with the forgotten literary productions of the past.

Bookholm started disposing of its books in the caves many centuries ago, and has continued ever since. The result is that, the deeper one goes into the catacombs, the farther one goes back in Bookholm’s literary history, and the more rare and valuable the books become.

German author Walter Moers has made Bookholm and its subterranean labyrinth the backdrop of his novel The City of Dreaming Books. Reading about it is fine, but nothing compares to an actual visit, but be cautious because the catacombs are a dangerous place where beasts and killers lurk, ready to do harm to the unwary traveler.

Three of the peaceful bookworms who live 

in the catacombs: Doylan Cone, Wamilli Swordthrow and 

Aleisha Wimpersleake.

Only one traveler is known to have traversed the entirety of the catacombs alone and survived: Optimus Yarnspinner, a literary dinosaur of the species Lindworm was cast into these tunnels against his will, and yet managed to make it out alive and sane. He is now feted as a hero of Bookholm.

Optimus Yarnspinner

The most dangerous of the underworld inhabitants are the bookhunters. They have dedicated their lives to searching through the catacombs for forgotten classics, and will stop at nothing to be the first to bring one back to market. They prey on each other and on anything else that gets in their way.

Be aware of the other creatures that dwell here: Nocturnomaths have multiple brains and do their best thinking in complete darkness; the Homuncolossus is a golem made of paper who haunts the deepest caves; and at the center of it all lives the Shadow King who claims the entirety of the catacombs as his realm.

If anybody has visited Bookholm or its catacombs, and has survived to tell the tale, please do so in the comments.

Notre Dame Cathedral

No visit to fictional Paris would be complete without a tour of Notre Dame Catherdral. Here is the site of drama, intrigue, passion and copious amounts of gothic gloom.

Keep in mind: his other famous novel is called "Miserables."

To reach the cathedral, first you must pass through the rabbit-warren of narrow streets, each with its own long history (most people just skip that part). Tour groups form up in the shadowy sunless entrance and leave hourly. Your guide, a misshapen hunch-backed mute, will point and grunt at objects of interest. Unfortunately most of them are trinkets, associated with a local Gypsy dancer, that he’s hidden around the many narrow, dark crevices in the stonework. Tours are interrupted every 15 minutes as he scurries up to the tower to rings the famous bells.

The tour continues on the square outside the cathedral. Here you can marvel at the gibbet where your guide was publicly humiliated for his attempts to express his love. Its implicit threat looms over the entire area. There is also the old woman who has been walled up in a small room as penance for the sins of Paris.

As the tour nears its end, the tragic connection between all of these elements—the gibbet, the woman, the dancer and your guide—will become apparent. There are some versions of the tour that try to gloss over this and make the cathedral seem fun and entertaining. You are welcome to take one of these instead, but you’ll be missing out on the real Notre Dame Cathedral experience.

"Let's dig up Victor Hugo

and punch his corpse..."

Others who have experienced the cathedral, or who would like to, please leave a comment.