Castle Dunsinane

This medieval castle atop a hill in Scotland was once the home of King Macbeth, a ruthless pretender to the throne. It is a grim, foreboding place full of dark secrets and madness, and whose halls and chambers are soaked in blood.

Access to Dunsinane is via Birnam wood, which was once cut back several miles from the castle walls, but has since been moved right up to them. To enter the castle itself, one must either screw one’s courage to the sticking place; or allow oneself to be unsexed by the spirits that tend upon mortal thoughts, and be filled from the crown to the toe with direst cruelty; or simply pay the admission charge. Visitors on stormy nights will have to knock repeatedly to get in.

Warning: Hanging Daggers

Be sure to wear adequate eye-protection.

The interior of Dunsinane is dark, and has no modern lighting so each visitor is issued one short candle (do not let it got out). The tour itself creeps at a petty pace, and takes about an hour, but do not fret.

Highlights of the tour include the banquet hall, where those with guilty consciences are frequently visited by bloody ghosts. If you find your mind full of scorpions, we advise you to move on to the Queen’s chambers. Here is the famous hand-washing station, notable for its inability to remove blood. Visitors also marvel at a collection of all the perfumes of Araby.

She smells blood. I smell ham.

The final stop is the hall where the pretender Macbeth died in his final showdown with Macduff, who is notable for being the rightful king, and for being the product of a plot-convenient C-section.

The castle is open year-round, and many school groups are forced to visit. If you have enjoyed a trip to Castle Dunsinane, please leave a comment below.