Castle Dunsinane

This medieval castle atop a hill in Scotland was once the home of King Macbeth, a ruthless pretender to the throne. It is a grim, foreboding place full of dark secrets and madness, and whose halls and chambers are soaked in blood.

Access to Dunsinane is via Birnam wood, which was once cut back several miles from the castle walls, but has since been moved right up to them. To enter the castle itself, one must either screw one’s courage to the sticking place; or allow oneself to be unsexed by the spirits that tend upon mortal thoughts, and be filled from the crown to the toe with direst cruelty; or simply pay the admission charge. Visitors on stormy nights will have to knock repeatedly to get in.

Warning: Hanging Daggers

Be sure to wear adequate eye-protection.

The interior of Dunsinane is dark, and has no modern lighting so each visitor is issued one short candle (do not let it got out). The tour itself creeps at a petty pace, and takes about an hour, but do not fret.

Highlights of the tour include the banquet hall, where those with guilty consciences are frequently visited by bloody ghosts. If you find your mind full of scorpions, we advise you to move on to the Queen’s chambers. Here is the famous hand-washing station, notable for its inability to remove blood. Visitors also marvel at a collection of all the perfumes of Araby.

She smells blood. I smell ham.

The final stop is the hall where the pretender Macbeth died in his final showdown with Macduff, who is notable for being the rightful king, and for being the product of a plot-convenient C-section.

The castle is open year-round, and many school groups are forced to visit. If you have enjoyed a trip to Castle Dunsinane, please leave a comment below.

The Big Bang

Travel back in time to an era when the universe was young, very very young. Many exciting things will happen so fast that you won’t be able to observe then directly. You will need a very good tour guide to interpret what is happening right before you. Such interpretation sounds like the ranting of a lunatic, and is prone to change from visit to visit.

Dr. Brian May, Ph.D (Astrophysics) and songwriter of  "Fat Bottomed Girls."

The observation platform is set well back from the action, because the expansion is so rapid and violent that the unsuspecting and unwary visitor is in grave danger. Be sure to stay well back, (We are well aware of the logical conundrum of a platform outside of the universe, but have chosen to ignore it). In just the first

0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 of a second, big-E Everything will come into existence, and will occupy a space 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 centimeters across. About 1 second later, the universe will be about a quadrillion kilometers across, give or take a few billion Km. 

You can get some awesome vacation photos

During this time, every proton, neutron and electron that will ever exist will come into being, even though it will be another 370,000 years or so until they cool down enough to form any actual objects. During this first second, the temperature of the universe will drop by 10²² degrees, an experience familiar to anybody who has been through a great-lakes springtime cold snap.

You would think that a burst of energy of this magnitude would also be bright. One of the most amazing things about the Big Bang is that it remains dark. Things are so dense at this point, that all light is immediately absorbed.

Armchair tourists who wish to observe the Big Bang from here and now are invited to tune their televisions to a channel that is nothing but static. A small percentage of that fuzz will be background radiation leftover from this truly cosmic event.

Planet of TV Advertising

You have heard many times that money does not buy happiness. This aphorism may be true on Earth, but even speaking it is against the law on the Planet of TV Advertising. Here, all of life’s challenges can be solved easily by purchasing the correct consumer product. Family strife can be solved with jewelry or a nice resort vacation; foreign languages can be completely mastered in three weeks; true friends are only a cup of coffee away.

Most first-time visitors are astounded by the planet’s inhabitants. Advertians are all good-looking and charismatic. They have perfect, white teeth and their clothing is inevitably clean and bright.

The air on the planet is always fresh and smells of pine, even in urban areas. The weather is invariably sunny and warm everywhere. The only exception is along country roads at night time. These can be dangerous and slippery, so make sure your car has the right braking system and the best tires.

Car trouble is inevitable on this stretch of road.

The Planet of TV advertising is famous for its night-life. The action in clubs and private parties starts at sundown. The only admission fee is a can of inexpensive light beer, the presence of which will send the Advertians into a frenzy of dancing.

A typical Advertian party-goer

Smoking, once a popular pastime, is now banned. Those caught smoking are immediately banned to the PSA district, also home to drug-users and those who do not floss regularly. The PSA district is governed by a single Native American who can’t seem to stop crying.

Kaplan, Louisiana native, Espera Oscar di Corti*

Staying on the Planet of TV Advertising is not cheap, as everything everywhere is for sale. Those on a budget are welcome, but may have to spend their stay in Brandex.

Flights to the Planet of TV Advertising depart the US once about every eight minutes, and flights typically last about four minutes, longer between the hours of 7 p.m. and 10 p.m.

*Truth

The Garden of Earthly Delights

Located deep in the inner portions of a Dutchman’s mind, the Garden is a bizarre landscape of striking and disturbing images. It is now open for tours at all hours of the day and night. There is a self-guided option, and one may also choose from the many, many tour guides available. However, none of these guides agree on what the garden contains, and their interpretations of this destination vary in soundness from those that make sense to those that are as grotesque as the garden itself.

Each tour of this famous garden has three stops, moving from left to right.  The first, to the left is an idyllic Edenic setting. Here is the awe-inspiring sight of a young Earth on what appears to be the sixth day of creation. We see the moment that Adam is introduced to Eve. The view is open and uncluttered and the garden here is elegantly designed to please the eye.

In the second stop of the tour, the visitor is shown the consequences of the meeting in the first panel. This is a human world, filled with the slaking of human desires. It is, in fact, one big orgy. There are naked people everywhere, doing all sorts of things, the sorts of things that involve sticking things in other things. Despite all of this activity, this part of the garden is a very successful strawberry patch. This fruit grows all over the garden, and is put to some imaginative uses by the residents.

On second thought, I'll have the marmalade.

The final stop on the tour is a hellscape of disturbing weirdness. This portion of the garden is dark, and what light there is comes from the burning sulfur that also lends its distinctive odor to the atmosphere. First time visitors will be shown immediately to the tree-man, whose trunk has been severed so that he supports himself on his arms. This sight is a must-see, as it is the most famous item in the Garden.

Just like Paris has the Eiffel Tower and London has Big Ben.

The Garden is so full of sights that it bears many repeat visits. So tourists enjoy taking the whole thing in, and others prefer to return exclusively to one portion of the garden. The Garden is worth the visit both on its own merits, and because it has influenced many other imaginary places.

The Underworld (Gilgamesh)

Travel to the underworld is only for the most dedicated voyager, as the trip is fraught with peril and requires hard work. For those who make it all of the way to the end, the reward is immortality. Those who cannot complete the challenge are returned home in their sleep and given moldy bread.

The voyage begins at the mouth of the cave through the Dark Mountain. The traveler must pass through the mountain, on foot, in complete darkness. This portion of the journey requires 24 hours of non-stop walking. It’s worth the effort, though.

And check out that view.

The cave empties out onto a garden paradise that lies on the shore of a vast and treacherous ocean. The garden is always in bloom, and the scent of thousands of exotic flowers combines with the song of thousands of birds to fill the air with beauty. On the shore of the ocean is a tavern, run by Siduri. Here, the traveler may eat and drink his fill. Siduri will advise you to return home and not continue with the voyage, as it involves crossing the ocean. Should you not heed her advice, she will direct you to the boatman, who lives in a nearby wood. He is called Urshanabi. If you want him to help you to cross, you must build a raft of 120 (or 300) long poles. The crossing is so perilous that the raft will break up upon arrival on the other shore. Only the most spry tourists should take this journey, as touching the water will kill you, so a well-timed leap is essential.

Only now will the traveler meet the tour guide to the underworld, Utnapishtim, survivor of a large, world-destroying flood.

He made a large boat and filled it with animals. 

No apparent similarities to any other story.

 He will present you with a challenge: if you can stay awake for seven days straight, you will be granted immortality. Should you fall asleep, he will return you to your home, and as proof of your sleeping, will place a loaf of bread by your bed for each day you sleep. You only get one shot at the challenge. Trips to this world are strictly limited to one per life-time.

The Far Side

To get to The Far Side, take a series of sharp left turns, then go slightly around the bend. You’ll know you’ve arrived when you spot your first bipedal cow and egg-beaters begin dropping from the sky.

This land, despite its popularity, has only one tour guide, by the name of Gary Larson. He will gladly show you and your friends around a bizarre, awkward and hilarious country where logic has gone slightly askew. Popular attractions include the Midvale School for the Gifted, with its outward swinging door, as well as the exhibit on the real reason the dinosaurs are extinct. 

Illustration unnecessary

If one is lucky, one may even see the stone-age vegetarians returning with their kill.

The residents of The Far Side are as fascinating as the country they inhabit. For starters, the humans here are locked in a perpetual 1963. The women, for example, all wear house dresses and tear-drop glasses; their hair is worn exclusively up in a bee-hive. 

Among the well-known citizens, there are Short Godzilla and Theron the bed-drying fish. They make frequent appearances outside the Far Side, but are always available to greet guests. There are other very influential elements to this country, and its impact on the world of science has been important.

The tail of a stegosaurus is called

a "Thagomizer." I am not making this up.

The Far Side is open to tourists 24 hours a day, and visitors are welcome to stay as long as they like. Be warned however, that those on long-term visits will find themselves starting to fit in. 

Ronceval

Deep in the Pyrenees lies the valley of Ronceval, sight of a famous medieval battle between Charlemagne’s army and a band of Saracens led by king Marsil. This famous incident, recounted in great detail in The Song of Roland was also the fatal battle of the title hero.

Visitors to Ronceval will be shown first to the site where Roland and his band of warriors were treacherously attacked. Because of the knight Ganelon’s treasonous dealings with the Saracens, Roland was in the rear guard of the army, and the Saracens knew it. It is at this place that Roland made his mighty last stand, personally fending off wave after wave of attackers, and refusing to call for aid.

Period photograph of the actual event.

Then they will be shown to the oak tree where Roland finally fell. Contrary to popular belief, he was not killed by a Saracen. Instead, he blew his Elephant tusk horn so loud that he gave himself an aneurism. Fortunately, the call was loud enough to alert Charlemagne’s army, who then rode in and finishes the battle. A memorial to this mighty deed stands at the place where, in his final act, Roland drove his sword into the ground to keep it from enemy hands.

These deeds have been retold many times, and as with all legends, have gained many details over the years. It is now difficult to tell fact from fiction, but all of the various guides to Ronceval tell a fascinating tale.

The Mad Tea Party

On a path just past the Duchess’ house lies an architectural curiosity. The design of the March Hare’s house resembles a rabbit, with long, ear-shaped chimneys, and it is thatched in fur.

A large table stands in front of the house, set for evening tea. This tea is presided over by a short, large-nosed man who wears an out-sized hat. He clearly suffers from some type of mania, as evidenced by his nearly incoherent verbal output.

Another unusual circumstance here: it is perpetually six o’clock in the evening and so always tea-time. The aforementioned manic Hatter was once a singer, but performed so poorly that he was accused of murdering time. Time will now not have any dealings with him, and so has locked him into this early evening hour.

The tea party is in constant motion. As it is always tea time, but never time to wash up afterwards, new place settings are not available, so the party must shift from one part of the long table to another. The timing of these shifts is as unpredictable as the host himself.

The entertainment at the tea party revolves around the asking of riddles, most of which seem to have no answer. There is also the telling of tales, but due to the host’s mania, it is very rare that one of these tales moves very far before it is interrupted and forgotten. One may also participate in dormouse dunking. 

The host is also notable for his rudeness, and party attendees are cautioned to be ready for personal remarks on their appearance or intelligence.

Those who leave the tea party, and it nearly impossible to stay for more than a few minutes and remain sane, will soon find themselves on the Queen’s croquet grounds.

Talking Heads' "Heaven"

Those who want to visit this popular night spot are advised to arrive early. Lines are long, as it seems everybody is trying to get into the bar. Odd, really, because Heaven’s slogan is “The Place Where Nothing Ever Happens.”

The reason for Heaven’s success is simple: predictability. They have found a formula and stuck with it. Although this leads to a lack of variety, patrons can be assured of a good time. The house band, for example, plays your favorite song, exclusively, all night long.

The nightly party is a regimented affair. We caution patrons to be alert as the evening draws to a close, when there is a rush for the door. Everybody who is there will leave at exactly the same time. But don’t worry, the party starts again immediately.

Although the above description makes Heaven sound like a boring place to spend an evening, those who have attended a party there are in unanimous agreement that this kind of nothing is actually exciting and fun.

But some people think this is fun.

The Death Star

The Death Star was built when the Galactic Empire decided to tighten its already strong grip on its constituent planetary systems. The idea was to construct a super-weapon powerful enough to destroy a planet in mere seconds and thus terrorize every planet into submission. The result was a moon-sized battle station capable of interplanetary travel.

As for calling it “The Death Star” we can only assume that the Empire’s PR team was on vacation when the name was decided on. Although it is refreshingly direct in today’s culture of sesquipedalian obfuscation, the name “Death Star” also seems too intimidating and runs the risk of inspiring the sort of rebellion it is meant to quash. Just sitting here, I have come up with “Roving Orbital Security Enhancement System” (or ROSES).

I couldn't come up with one that spelled out "KITTENS"

This is beside the point. 

The Death Star experience begins even before arrival. The approach itself will inspire awe in even the most jaded traveler. The sheer size of this space station becomes apparent as soon as one jumps out of hyperspace. The panoramas continue in the docking bay. Clever use of field generators allows the bay to be open to the sky at all times, giving a breath-taking view of the stars. Each stop on the tour is designed to impress the tourist with the power and size of The Death Star, from the operations room to the weapons room, where the planet-destroying beam is fired. The tour ends on the observation platform suspended above the core. The view from here goes straight down through The Death Star, which seems to stretch away to infinity beneath one’s feet.

There is a gift shop for souvenir hounds, and the merchandise available is being constantly updated. Stocks change as the planets that supply the knick-knacks and toys are blown up.

Post your own improved Death Star acronym in the comments. 

Thebes

Thebes was at the center of mythological life in Ancient Greece. It is a place full of tragedy, drama and intrigue. It is full of stories of brother plotting against brother, father against son and is the sort of place where one can accidentally become one’s own stepfather.

The Thebans themselves are a high-strung people and not to be trifled with. Conflicts are settled with combat, and, antigonistic to a fault, some Thebans will literally kill themselves just to prove a point.

Visitors to Thebes marvel the site of the first civil service exam. In contrast to modern testing, this exam was not administered by a humorless government drone. The monitor was a monster with the body of a lion and the head of a woman. The one question was on the topic of zoology. Get the answer right, and you could be king. Get it wrong and you would be devoured. 

So bring a sharpened No. 2 pencil.

This was the system used to establish governments before the advent of our more enlightened method.

Also located here in the palace is the setting of the world’s first known murder mystery. At its core was the question as to who killed the former king of Thebes. The story contains nearly every technique in the mystery-writer’s arsenal: red herrings, false accusations, misread clues, hidden family secrets and a boffo surprise that sets the standard for twist(ed) endings.

As always, travelers tales are encouraged in the comments.

Hogwarts

There is a game of one-upsmanship played by seasoned travelers everywhere. The goal is to visit the most obscure or exotic locales ("There’s this great little village in the Ecuadorean mountains…"). The travelers who play this game disdain typical tourist destinations.

However, there are some places so inspiring or fascinating that they are worth the visit, no matter how many people have been there before, or how commercial the destination has become. The Tower of London, the Grand Canyon and Bourbon Street all fall into this category. There are reasons that these places become so heavily visited. There is something there that draws people from around the globe, and appeals to every kind of traveler. One other such place is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Hogwarts has been written about so extensively that no review of its offerings is necessary here. Most tourists here have portions of the visit that they enjoy and look forward to with every trip. This writer likes to drop by the Room of Requirement and marvel at its ability to know what one needs and to provide, even temporarily, for that need. Another favorite stop on the tour is the Headmaster’s office. It is a museum of knick-knacks and instruments that fill one with envy. The pensieve stands out in this regard.

One thing that sets Hogwarts apart from other popular destinations is that there are no appointed tour guides. Each room is hung with animated paintings that are able, but are sometimes reluctant, to answer questions.

We ask that you write about your visit to Hogwarts, and your favorite portions of the tour, in the comments.

Bookholm Catacombs

Bookholm is a city built entirely on literature. This is not simply a metaphor describing the main economic activity of this city. The caves that cut deep beneath Bookholm are filled with the forgotten literary productions of the past.

Bookholm started disposing of its books in the caves many centuries ago, and has continued ever since. The result is that, the deeper one goes into the catacombs, the farther one goes back in Bookholm’s literary history, and the more rare and valuable the books become.

German author Walter Moers has made Bookholm and its subterranean labyrinth the backdrop of his novel The City of Dreaming Books. Reading about it is fine, but nothing compares to an actual visit, but be cautious because the catacombs are a dangerous place where beasts and killers lurk, ready to do harm to the unwary traveler.

Three of the peaceful bookworms who live 

in the catacombs: Doylan Cone, Wamilli Swordthrow and 

Aleisha Wimpersleake.

Only one traveler is known to have traversed the entirety of the catacombs alone and survived: Optimus Yarnspinner, a literary dinosaur of the species Lindworm was cast into these tunnels against his will, and yet managed to make it out alive and sane. He is now feted as a hero of Bookholm.

Optimus Yarnspinner

The most dangerous of the underworld inhabitants are the bookhunters. They have dedicated their lives to searching through the catacombs for forgotten classics, and will stop at nothing to be the first to bring one back to market. They prey on each other and on anything else that gets in their way.

Be aware of the other creatures that dwell here: Nocturnomaths have multiple brains and do their best thinking in complete darkness; the Homuncolossus is a golem made of paper who haunts the deepest caves; and at the center of it all lives the Shadow King who claims the entirety of the catacombs as his realm.

If anybody has visited Bookholm or its catacombs, and has survived to tell the tale, please do so in the comments.

Notre Dame Cathedral

No visit to fictional Paris would be complete without a tour of Notre Dame Catherdral. Here is the site of drama, intrigue, passion and copious amounts of gothic gloom.

Keep in mind: his other famous novel is called "Miserables."

To reach the cathedral, first you must pass through the rabbit-warren of narrow streets, each with its own long history (most people just skip that part). Tour groups form up in the shadowy sunless entrance and leave hourly. Your guide, a misshapen hunch-backed mute, will point and grunt at objects of interest. Unfortunately most of them are trinkets, associated with a local Gypsy dancer, that he’s hidden around the many narrow, dark crevices in the stonework. Tours are interrupted every 15 minutes as he scurries up to the tower to rings the famous bells.

The tour continues on the square outside the cathedral. Here you can marvel at the gibbet where your guide was publicly humiliated for his attempts to express his love. Its implicit threat looms over the entire area. There is also the old woman who has been walled up in a small room as penance for the sins of Paris.

As the tour nears its end, the tragic connection between all of these elements—the gibbet, the woman, the dancer and your guide—will become apparent. There are some versions of the tour that try to gloss over this and make the cathedral seem fun and entertaining. You are welcome to take one of these instead, but you’ll be missing out on the real Notre Dame Cathedral experience.

"Let's dig up Victor Hugo

and punch his corpse..."

Others who have experienced the cathedral, or who would like to, please leave a comment.

Tralfamadore Zoo

Everybody loves a trip to the zoo to look at and learn about exotic and unusual creatures. But until now, zoos have been limited to animals of one planet, and one geological era.

The Tralfamadore Zoo is a game-changer in zoological exhibits. The industrious Tralfamadorian species has mastered travel not only through space, but through time, and so have brought together on their home planet an assortment of nearly every known animal species in the universe, ever.

Don'y worry about having enough time to visit this vast menagerie. As your guide will explain, you have always visited it, are visiting it now, and will always visit it. Tralfamadorians experience all of time at once, and not as a sequence so concepts like duration are unknown to them.

Your tour guide may take some getting used to. Tralfamadorians resemble a toilet plunger with a hand-like appendage on the top. Their eye is set in the “palm” of this appendage. This alien species communicates mostly through telepathy, but has been able to mimic speech electronically, so it is essential for the zoo visitor to pay the extra fee for the recorded tour.

High fives are a mortal insult.

One of the most popular exhibits at the zoo is the Earth human habitat. It is set up to resemble a 1950s middle class home, with furniture from a catalog warehouse. Visitors from Earth will be surprised to find that the female in the exhibit is missing porn actress Montana Wildhack. The male in the habitat is introduced as an optometrist named Billy Pilgrim. Despite being essentially imprisoned, these two seem happy together and have a seemingly healthy domestic life.

If you have any traveler’s tales from Tralfamadore or its zoo, feel free to leave a comment.

742 Evergreen Terrace

No visit to Springfield is complete without a visit to this otherwise unassuming working class house. A two story house located on a quiet residential neighborhood, it is the home of the Simpson family, who have been at the heart of almost every major event in Springfield’s recent past.

It was here that the fortunes of the state were decided, when Marge Simpson spiked Montgomery Burns’ gubernatorial campaign in the notorious Blinkygate. The investigation into the later shooting of Mr. Burns also led to the front door of 742 Evergreen Terrace when it was discovered that baby Maggie pulled the trigger. 

Just precious

This family has also been involved in racketeering charges and international espionage rings, as well as the fight against Springfield’s outdated prohibition laws.

Homer, the father of the family, was launched into space, had a successful recording career, invented the famous drink the Flaming Homer (also known as the Flaming Moe) and still managed to hold down his job as a safety inspector at the local nuclear power plant.

This house has proven so popular that it has been the site of uncountable celebrity visits. Tourists will be amazed at the list of famous people that runs from popular recording artists to Stephen Hawking.

Tours are available at almost every time day or night, and run about half an hour each. Admission is free, but be prepared for the gist shop where a large amount of merchandise, most of it now outdated, is available.

Remember when this was considered "edgy?"

Fortune’s Island

For those who love amusement park thrill rides, there is nothing that can beat a turn on Fortune’s Wheel. Dizzying highs, stomach-dropping lows, turns, twists and sudden stops all await the adventurous thrill-seeker.

No, not this one.

The line for the ride forms on the beach of this conical island, and winds up the gentle slope. First, you pass through the beautiful forest, surrounded by bird-song and the scent of wild flowers. The path then leads into Fortune’s Castle where the sounds of burbling fountains fill the air.

The wheel sits at the very center of the castle’s Great Hall, tended by Lady Fortune herself. She wears a blindfold and spins the wheel at her own whim. If you are lucky enough to catch the wheel on an upward swing fame, wealth, power and success will be yours beyond your wildest imaginings.

Wheeeeeeeee! Allegory is fun!

The wheel can spin downward at any time, throwing the rider of the wheel into poverty, loneliness, poor health and despair. Hang on, though, because it may turn you upward again—who knows? It all depends on the will of Lady Fortune.

Anybody who has taken a ride on Fortune’s Wheel and wants to recount the experience, is encouraged to do so in the comments.

Sneetch Beach

Sneetch Beach is a lovely place to spend a vacation. The tourist is greeted by an expanse of pink sand, and this beach the only place where such a curiosity exists in such quantity. The beaches are surrounded by an eye-catching vista of high-peaked green hills. Also, a beach umbrella is not a necessity, because the flora consists of large, red umbrella-shaped trees that grow in quantity.

A typical view of the beach

After taking a dip in the blue waters of Sneetch Beach, vacationers frequently engage in one of the many activities. Ball-tossing is a popular past-time, as are the nightly wienie roasts. Moping and doping, once a common entertainment, has been discontinued.

Visitors are invited to enjoy the delights of a day at the seaside in the company of these curious creatures. The Sneetches are pear-shaped creatures covered in yellow fur. They have long necks and goose-like heads. Their language is a dialect of English spoken entirely in rhyme. Linguists are still at a loss to explain this phenomenon, but there appears to be an environmental factor, because visitors who stay for any length of time soon find themselves thinking in these melodic rhyming couplets.

Once an exclusive resort community, Sneetch Beach has been recently integrated after a prolonged fight.

Two varieties of Sneetches exist. Some, with stars on their bellies, were once the dominant class and had once had exclusive right to use the beach. The others, without stars on thars were subjugated to a second class role. 

Fortunately, this can't happen here.

This was before a clever tattoo artist appeared, and began drawing stars on everybody’s belly, which led to a brief mania for belly stars. At this point, Sneetches decided to have their stars removed, to reassert the status quo. It soon was impossible to tell who was “supposed” to have stars and who was not. It was this confusion that led to the relaxing of the Sneetch discrimination laws.

Any body with their own traveler's tales of Sneetch Beach is welcome to post them in the comments.

Your Home Town

Your home town has changed a lot since you were a kid. Back then, everybody knew their neighbors, and people cared for one another. Now everybody just stays indoors and barely even talks to each other.

Your Home Town's lovable town drunk,

who was always good for a laugh.

All of the great old stores are gone, too. Every Saturday, you and your mom used to go downtown and do the shopping. The clerks and shopkeepers always put service first, and even knew their customers by name. Now all of the business has moved out to the malls and to big box retailers. All they care about is profits, not people. The buildings are real eyesores, if you ask you.

There used to be no real crime in your home town. People always settled their differences amicably, and you could leave your doors unlocked at night without worrying about a thing. Why, your parents never even locked the car door when they parked on the street. Kids could stay out by themselves because there were no perverts or weirdos running around.

In no way skeevy

If you want to take a trip to a place where things are simpler, and where a good time is an ice cream cone or a game of sandlot baseball--a place full of decent, hard-working folk who know the value of a neighbor, then travel to Your Home Town.

If anybody has trip advice or stories from Your Home Town, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.

The Dock of the Bay

Visitors to San Francisco who find themselves wearying after a day of sightseeing and doing what ten people tell them to do, should head down to the Bay. Here, hidden among the various tourist attractions and gentrified wharves, they will find a simple dock.

Admission to the Dock of the Bay is strictly limited to one solitary person, and the price has remained the same for over 40 years.

There are several activities available to the tourist visiting the Dock. These include:

·         Sitting in the morning sun

·         Watching the ships roll in

·         Watching them roll away again

·         Watching the tide roll away

·         Resting your bones

·         Wasting time

Although the visit seems relaxing at first, the atmosphere has been subtly constructed to evoke feelings of melancholy. We advise the visitor to limit his time here, or risk falling into a mood of regret, and soon discover that their loneliness won’t leave them alone. Whistling, normally considered an uplifting diversion, won’t help.

Because this has proven a popular destination, many people have attempted to reconstruct the experience by building their own docks. Some have even tried to make this an uplifting experience. Do not be fooled by imitations.

This dock has been completely white-washed, 

and features live ducks, for some reason.