Castle Dunsinane

This medieval castle atop a hill in Scotland was once the home of King Macbeth, a ruthless pretender to the throne. It is a grim, foreboding place full of dark secrets and madness, and whose halls and chambers are soaked in blood.

Access to Dunsinane is via Birnam wood, which was once cut back several miles from the castle walls, but has since been moved right up to them. To enter the castle itself, one must either screw one’s courage to the sticking place; or allow oneself to be unsexed by the spirits that tend upon mortal thoughts, and be filled from the crown to the toe with direst cruelty; or simply pay the admission charge. Visitors on stormy nights will have to knock repeatedly to get in.

Warning: Hanging Daggers

Be sure to wear adequate eye-protection.

The interior of Dunsinane is dark, and has no modern lighting so each visitor is issued one short candle (do not let it got out). The tour itself creeps at a petty pace, and takes about an hour, but do not fret.

Highlights of the tour include the banquet hall, where those with guilty consciences are frequently visited by bloody ghosts. If you find your mind full of scorpions, we advise you to move on to the Queen’s chambers. Here is the famous hand-washing station, notable for its inability to remove blood. Visitors also marvel at a collection of all the perfumes of Araby.

She smells blood. I smell ham.

The final stop is the hall where the pretender Macbeth died in his final showdown with Macduff, who is notable for being the rightful king, and for being the product of a plot-convenient C-section.

The castle is open year-round, and many school groups are forced to visit. If you have enjoyed a trip to Castle Dunsinane, please leave a comment below.

The Big Bang

Travel back in time to an era when the universe was young, very very young. Many exciting things will happen so fast that you won’t be able to observe then directly. You will need a very good tour guide to interpret what is happening right before you. Such interpretation sounds like the ranting of a lunatic, and is prone to change from visit to visit.

Dr. Brian May, Ph.D (Astrophysics) and songwriter of  "Fat Bottomed Girls."

The observation platform is set well back from the action, because the expansion is so rapid and violent that the unsuspecting and unwary visitor is in grave danger. Be sure to stay well back, (We are well aware of the logical conundrum of a platform outside of the universe, but have chosen to ignore it). In just the first

0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 of a second, big-E Everything will come into existence, and will occupy a space 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 centimeters across. About 1 second later, the universe will be about a quadrillion kilometers across, give or take a few billion Km. 

You can get some awesome vacation photos

During this time, every proton, neutron and electron that will ever exist will come into being, even though it will be another 370,000 years or so until they cool down enough to form any actual objects. During this first second, the temperature of the universe will drop by 10²² degrees, an experience familiar to anybody who has been through a great-lakes springtime cold snap.

You would think that a burst of energy of this magnitude would also be bright. One of the most amazing things about the Big Bang is that it remains dark. Things are so dense at this point, that all light is immediately absorbed.

Armchair tourists who wish to observe the Big Bang from here and now are invited to tune their televisions to a channel that is nothing but static. A small percentage of that fuzz will be background radiation leftover from this truly cosmic event.

Planet of TV Advertising

You have heard many times that money does not buy happiness. This aphorism may be true on Earth, but even speaking it is against the law on the Planet of TV Advertising. Here, all of life’s challenges can be solved easily by purchasing the correct consumer product. Family strife can be solved with jewelry or a nice resort vacation; foreign languages can be completely mastered in three weeks; true friends are only a cup of coffee away.

Most first-time visitors are astounded by the planet’s inhabitants. Advertians are all good-looking and charismatic. They have perfect, white teeth and their clothing is inevitably clean and bright.

The air on the planet is always fresh and smells of pine, even in urban areas. The weather is invariably sunny and warm everywhere. The only exception is along country roads at night time. These can be dangerous and slippery, so make sure your car has the right braking system and the best tires.

Car trouble is inevitable on this stretch of road.

The Planet of TV advertising is famous for its night-life. The action in clubs and private parties starts at sundown. The only admission fee is a can of inexpensive light beer, the presence of which will send the Advertians into a frenzy of dancing.

A typical Advertian party-goer

Smoking, once a popular pastime, is now banned. Those caught smoking are immediately banned to the PSA district, also home to drug-users and those who do not floss regularly. The PSA district is governed by a single Native American who can’t seem to stop crying.

Kaplan, Louisiana native, Espera Oscar di Corti*

Staying on the Planet of TV Advertising is not cheap, as everything everywhere is for sale. Those on a budget are welcome, but may have to spend their stay in Brandex.

Flights to the Planet of TV Advertising depart the US once about every eight minutes, and flights typically last about four minutes, longer between the hours of 7 p.m. and 10 p.m.

*Truth

The Garden of Earthly Delights

Located deep in the inner portions of a Dutchman’s mind, the Garden is a bizarre landscape of striking and disturbing images. It is now open for tours at all hours of the day and night. There is a self-guided option, and one may also choose from the many, many tour guides available. However, none of these guides agree on what the garden contains, and their interpretations of this destination vary in soundness from those that make sense to those that are as grotesque as the garden itself.

Each tour of this famous garden has three stops, moving from left to right.  The first, to the left is an idyllic Edenic setting. Here is the awe-inspiring sight of a young Earth on what appears to be the sixth day of creation. We see the moment that Adam is introduced to Eve. The view is open and uncluttered and the garden here is elegantly designed to please the eye.

In the second stop of the tour, the visitor is shown the consequences of the meeting in the first panel. This is a human world, filled with the slaking of human desires. It is, in fact, one big orgy. There are naked people everywhere, doing all sorts of things, the sorts of things that involve sticking things in other things. Despite all of this activity, this part of the garden is a very successful strawberry patch. This fruit grows all over the garden, and is put to some imaginative uses by the residents.

On second thought, I'll have the marmalade.

The final stop on the tour is a hellscape of disturbing weirdness. This portion of the garden is dark, and what light there is comes from the burning sulfur that also lends its distinctive odor to the atmosphere. First time visitors will be shown immediately to the tree-man, whose trunk has been severed so that he supports himself on his arms. This sight is a must-see, as it is the most famous item in the Garden.

Just like Paris has the Eiffel Tower and London has Big Ben.

The Garden is so full of sights that it bears many repeat visits. So tourists enjoy taking the whole thing in, and others prefer to return exclusively to one portion of the garden. The Garden is worth the visit both on its own merits, and because it has influenced many other imaginary places.

The Underworld (Gilgamesh)

Travel to the underworld is only for the most dedicated voyager, as the trip is fraught with peril and requires hard work. For those who make it all of the way to the end, the reward is immortality. Those who cannot complete the challenge are returned home in their sleep and given moldy bread.

The voyage begins at the mouth of the cave through the Dark Mountain. The traveler must pass through the mountain, on foot, in complete darkness. This portion of the journey requires 24 hours of non-stop walking. It’s worth the effort, though.

And check out that view.

The cave empties out onto a garden paradise that lies on the shore of a vast and treacherous ocean. The garden is always in bloom, and the scent of thousands of exotic flowers combines with the song of thousands of birds to fill the air with beauty. On the shore of the ocean is a tavern, run by Siduri. Here, the traveler may eat and drink his fill. Siduri will advise you to return home and not continue with the voyage, as it involves crossing the ocean. Should you not heed her advice, she will direct you to the boatman, who lives in a nearby wood. He is called Urshanabi. If you want him to help you to cross, you must build a raft of 120 (or 300) long poles. The crossing is so perilous that the raft will break up upon arrival on the other shore. Only the most spry tourists should take this journey, as touching the water will kill you, so a well-timed leap is essential.

Only now will the traveler meet the tour guide to the underworld, Utnapishtim, survivor of a large, world-destroying flood.

He made a large boat and filled it with animals. 

No apparent similarities to any other story.

 He will present you with a challenge: if you can stay awake for seven days straight, you will be granted immortality. Should you fall asleep, he will return you to your home, and as proof of your sleeping, will place a loaf of bread by your bed for each day you sleep. You only get one shot at the challenge. Trips to this world are strictly limited to one per life-time.

The Far Side

To get to The Far Side, take a series of sharp left turns, then go slightly around the bend. You’ll know you’ve arrived when you spot your first bipedal cow and egg-beaters begin dropping from the sky.

This land, despite its popularity, has only one tour guide, by the name of Gary Larson. He will gladly show you and your friends around a bizarre, awkward and hilarious country where logic has gone slightly askew. Popular attractions include the Midvale School for the Gifted, with its outward swinging door, as well as the exhibit on the real reason the dinosaurs are extinct. 

Illustration unnecessary

If one is lucky, one may even see the stone-age vegetarians returning with their kill.

The residents of The Far Side are as fascinating as the country they inhabit. For starters, the humans here are locked in a perpetual 1963. The women, for example, all wear house dresses and tear-drop glasses; their hair is worn exclusively up in a bee-hive. 

Among the well-known citizens, there are Short Godzilla and Theron the bed-drying fish. They make frequent appearances outside the Far Side, but are always available to greet guests. There are other very influential elements to this country, and its impact on the world of science has been important.

The tail of a stegosaurus is called

a "Thagomizer." I am not making this up.

The Far Side is open to tourists 24 hours a day, and visitors are welcome to stay as long as they like. Be warned however, that those on long-term visits will find themselves starting to fit in. 

Ronceval

Deep in the Pyrenees lies the valley of Ronceval, sight of a famous medieval battle between Charlemagne’s army and a band of Saracens led by king Marsil. This famous incident, recounted in great detail in The Song of Roland was also the fatal battle of the title hero.

Visitors to Ronceval will be shown first to the site where Roland and his band of warriors were treacherously attacked. Because of the knight Ganelon’s treasonous dealings with the Saracens, Roland was in the rear guard of the army, and the Saracens knew it. It is at this place that Roland made his mighty last stand, personally fending off wave after wave of attackers, and refusing to call for aid.

Period photograph of the actual event.

Then they will be shown to the oak tree where Roland finally fell. Contrary to popular belief, he was not killed by a Saracen. Instead, he blew his Elephant tusk horn so loud that he gave himself an aneurism. Fortunately, the call was loud enough to alert Charlemagne’s army, who then rode in and finishes the battle. A memorial to this mighty deed stands at the place where, in his final act, Roland drove his sword into the ground to keep it from enemy hands.

These deeds have been retold many times, and as with all legends, have gained many details over the years. It is now difficult to tell fact from fiction, but all of the various guides to Ronceval tell a fascinating tale.