My Hobby Farm

My hobby farm is located on a few acres of land just outside Baton Rouge. It is a good example of integrated green agriculture, and leaves no net carbon footprint. My wife and I are not completely self-sufficient, but we eat pretty well on the fruits of our labor.

Visitors are always welcome during the evening and weekends, when we are home. Just call first to let us know, and we’ll show you around. 

The first stop will be the goat pen. This is where we have our small herd of pygmy goats. We raise them for fiber and for their milk, and of course for their endearing antics.

Just look at 'em

Next, we move to the chickens. We have two flocks here. The first is a small flock of laying hens that provide us with more than enough eggs for our own kitchen. We sell the rest to friends and neighbors, who appreciate the finer things.  The other flock we keep on pasture in intensive-grazing pens. These are our meat birds. A couple of flocks a year easily provides for everything we need.

My personal favorite part of the farm is the hot pepper patch. It is here that I grow the peppers that I use to make my home-made artisanal hot sauces.

Be careful with this one

The tour ends, of course, in our home at the back of the property. Here we all can enjoy some fresh produce and meat (if you are inclined) that we have coaxed out of the fertile ground.

Repeat visits are always welcome, and I spend a lot of time here, myself.

555 Telephone Exchange (Formerly KLondike-5)

The 555 telephone exchange is home to nearly every American television and film character. You can’t call them, however. For unknown reasons, the only people who can place a call to a 555 number are those who have a 555 number.

Another curiosity of this isolated little world: nobody ever dials a 555 number just to catch up, or ask for store information, or any of the other mundane uses the rest of us have for the telephone. Every phone conversation is a matter of some drama. There is always an urgent message to deliver, or a threat, or an impassioned plea. Because of this, a day spent people watching in the 555 can be rewarding or suspenseful, but is never boring.

The 555 is also a living museum of telephony. Every device ever invented is still in use. They range from hand-cranked sets--these are typically used by people who cling to the old KLondike-5 name--to gadgets so modern they are not on the market yet; the users of these devices usually hold them in such a way that their logos are prominently displayed.

Among these unusual telephone behaviors, there is one that stands out: whereas the rest of us simply hang up the phone at the end of the call, the residents of the 555 first take a few seconds to stare intently at the receiver.

Oh, I almost forgot. Just about everybody with a 555 number is really good-looking.

Beszel and Ul Qoma (From China Miéville’s The City & the City)

          How many times have you said “I can’t be in two places at once?” In the sister cities of Beszel and Ul Qoma, you can! Because of an unexplained blip in space-time, these two cities physically interpenetrate one another. A person standing on a street in Ul Qoma, is also standing on that exact same street in Beszel.

          The two cities have very different characters. Beszel is a grim example of the old Eastern Europe, with its Stalinist architecture and crumbling facades.

Probably a hospital, or apartments.

Ul Qoma is a shining example of the neon-lit new Europe of shops and cafés and German cars.

A nice place to visit, but I would want to live there.

These economic and social differences have led to tensions between the two towns and travel between them is restricted. Further complicating matters, one can potentially see a large portion of both cities from certain vantage points, but it is prohibited for people in one city to look into the other. This is strictly enforced by a shadowy police agency called “Breach.” Visitors to these cities must first undergo a rigorous training in “unseeing” in which they are taught not to see what they oughtn’t. Failure to not see will result in immediate deportation.

          Even with its complications, we highly recommend a visit to these cities. The chance to experience their unique geography far outweighs the risks and troubles of a visit. 

Mos Eisley Cantina

Visitors to the spaceport of Mos Eisley, on the planet Tatooine, are strongly advised to stay indoors. For those of those with an adventurous spirit and a good weapon, we recommend a visit to the Mos Eisley cantina. This rugged drinking establishment is the town’s source of nightlife, but be cautioned that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Shootings and dismemberments are a frequent occurrence here. The regulars don’t seem to notice them. Should you go in for a drink, be prepared for anything. Also remember to live by the motto of the desperado: “I didn’t see nothing.”

Honest, officer, he was like that when he came in

The cantina features a huge selection of beverages and other substances to intoxicate the patrons. These drinks come in many bright colors, and some glow while others emit heavy fumes. Because of the wide variety of species served, and their many alien metabolisms, visitors should be very careful when ordering, so as not to inadvertently poison themselves.

The house band specializes is Dixieland jazz. By “specialize” we mean that they know only one tune, and it happens to be Dixieland. It’s instantly catchy, but has the downside of all catchy tunes.

Now it's in your head, too

Seriously, just stay home. Unless your life is already on the line, it’s not worth it.

Coconino County

Lovers of unusual destinations should stop by Coconino County. They will be immediately struck by the surreal landscape of shifting shapes that forms the backdrop to the daily lives of the residents. From one glance to the next, the features can change from mesas to towers to sculpted curves.

It is against this setting that the three principal residents of Coconino County carry out the whimsical dramas of their lives. These little vignettes were chronicled for many years by George Herriman who portrayed this unusual area with his minimal pen-and-ink drawings. The action itself changes little from day to day. The main resident of the area, Krazy Kat is secretly in love with a mouse named Ignatz. Ignatz does not return Krazy’s love, and expresses his disdain by hurling bricks at the Kat’s head. It is up to local law enforcement in the person of one Offissa Pupp to prevent these assaults. As an added twist, Krazy thinks of these daily beanings as a token of affection.

It's a metaphor. 

Despite his/her (it’s unclear) frequent head injuries, Krazy remains remarkably philosophical. Those who listen carefully to the dialogue will discover whimsical musings that range over a variety of topics.

Bookings for extended stays can be difficult to find, but are well worth the search. Famous tourists in the past have included e.e. cummings and F. Scott Fitzgerald, as well as Chuck Jones, Bill Watterson and Gary Larson.

United States of America: Republicans’ Version

Foreign tourists intending to visit the United States are advised to begin the visa application process well in advance. Once cleared to enter, they will find themselves in a modern paradise built entirely on a free-market economy and solid traditional values.

The Kansas City Fountainheads, champions of the WNBA

(Wives' National Bake-off Association)

It was a masterpiece of modern politics that led to this state of unprecedented freedom and prosperity. Governments at every level have receded into the background and allowed market forces and the much-touted American ingenuity to tackle, and solve, the problems of modern civilization.

Because of this unprecedented prosperity, and because of the strong sentencing laws, crime is almost non-existent and the streets are safe to walk at all hours of the day and night.

There are many attractions for the tourist to see. The nation’s capital, Reagan, District of America is a living store-house of the country’s glorious history. Lovers of natural wonders will want to tour the West, and take time to see the Reagan Canyon or drive the Reagan Coastal Highway that connects the cities of Ronald, Wilson, and Reagan, California.

Sports are an important part of American cultural life. For those who love the outdoors, there is hunting in one the United States’ national parks. More sedentary tourists will enjoy the pageantry and action of the daily football games in one of the country’s many professional leagues.

United States of America: Democrats’ Version

 Foreign visitors to this country are always amazed at the happiness of the citizens of this modern utopia. The United States is a nation of hard-working, industrious people who work to live rather than live to work.

          

It was a masterpiece of modern politics that led to this state of bliss. Governments of every level—local, state and federal--have found a way to cooperate seamlessly to provide the most efficient level of services possible. All citizens pay their fair share of taxes, but all receive their fair share in return.

The NBA champion Chicago Share-and-Cares

          

Because political, social and economic injustices have been eliminated, crime is almost non-existent and the streets are safe to walk at all hours of the day and night.

         

Visitors all also struck by how clean the cities are. The United States was the first industrial country to achieve complete energy independence, and did so by switching entirely to wind, solar and hydroelectric power. This achievement led directly to the gas-for-electric car exchange, and now the cities are completely smog free.

The Presidential Limousine

It seems that there is a holiday every week in The United States, as the whole country takes a day off to celebrate the heritage and traditions of each of its ethnic and religious groups. Even casual tourists will find themselves participating in festivals at almost every stop.

          

Tourists who wish to travel across The United States are recommended to use the wide-spread and efficient public transportation system. It’s fully subsidized, so a ride anywhere—either within a city or cross-country—is absolutely free. 

Swindon, England

Thursday Next’s Swindon, England

Swindon has recently become famous as the home town of literary detective Thursday Next. This city forms the backdrop to the major events in the recent Eyre Affair. This gripping true story has been chronicled in detail by author Jasper Fforde, and does not require retelling here.

The first must-see stop is the Spec-Ops building where Next gained fame as a LiteraTec, tracking down literary forgeries.  Next, drop by her flat, now a museum, where she lived with her genetically engineered pet dodo, Pickwick. 

It is here she first discovered her ability to enter bodily into the pages of literature itself and interact with the characters. It is this ability that made her the heroic figure who rescued Jane Eyre, and saved Jane Eyre. Dioramas portraying these epic deeds have been set up throughout the flat.

 It's like this, but with more punching.

We also recommend a day out in Thursday’s Swindon. Sights include the Low Bridge, with its clearance of only 6 feet, and the famous Elgin Llamas. For an exciting afternoon, take a trip to the Croquet Grounds to watch a match of this thrilling high-action full contact sport. More information on Swindon and its place in literary history can be found at

 http://www.jasperfforde.com/swindon/swindonalbum.html

BFE

BFE

Located in the middle of nowhere, and having no cultural attractions or night-life, BFE is a destination for the truly jaded adventure traveler. 

BFE does not appear on any maps, and so is nearly impossible to find. To reach it, tourists must first go past the sticks, and then travel through the boonies. Once there, they will see a vast expanse of nothing much, and somewhere in there, if they’re lucky, they will find BFE. Most travelers realize they’ve been there only after they’ve left.

The BFE Tourist and Convention Bureau offers guided tours of the area Tuesday through Saturday at 1:00 pm. Highlights include the shed with the brightly colored door, and the place where Mabel thought she saw a bobcat once.

 Why a man would go and do that to a perfectly good shed...

Yes, despite its remoteness and lack of anything of interest, BFE is inhabited. Curiously, no resident claims to live there by choice. Because of an as yet unexplained force, they have become stuck in BFE. Visitors are cautioned to be wary of this phenomenon; the best way to avoid it is to have some other definite destination in mind.  Once you are trapped in BFE, escape is very, very difficult, so unless you are resigned to a life of settin’ and scratchin’ make sure you have somewhere else to be.

Plato's Cave

Plato’s Cave

Lovers of spelunking and avant-garde theater alike will enjoy a trip to Plato’s Cave. Since c. 380 BC, the bottom of the cave has been the site of a continuously running shadow play, but one that breaks down the barrier between “audience” and “spectacle.”

 Philosophy

The show itself is an absurdist stream of disconnected shadows projected on the rear wall of the cave. These images represent animals, objects and people, but follow one another with no apparent logic. The real “spectacle” though, is the “audience” itself. The “spectators” are chained and immobilized, forced to watch this meaningless stream of shadows.

 Still better than "Cats."

The “performance” then consists of one’s own attempts to escape these chains, and “ends” when the “spectator” manages to crawl into the daylight. 

This probably all “means” something very profound, but scholars and dilettantes alike have been disagreeing for 2,400 years on exactly what this “meaning” is.

The theater/cave is located beneath the Plato’s Republic. Anyone can enter at any time. Admission is part of the shared delusion, and can never truly be free.

It is mandatory to include this picture of Plato somewhere.

Paris, France

Paris, France

Paris, the capital city of France, is a modern city of eight million artists and intellectuals. As a result, all social life revolves around art galéries and cafés. Visitors to these cafés are serenaded by the ubiquitous music of l’accordion, which forms the soundtrack to everyday life. Soon, the visitor will be engaged in a deep conversation with one of locals over the finer points of existentialist philosophy or left-wing politics. A lucky few will fall in love with a handsome or beautiful stranger who will encourage them to cast off the bonds imposed on them by society and live as free spirits. 

 A typical Parisian bus-driver

           

The scenic River Seine flows through the heart of Paris. At night lovers of all ages stroll beneath a full moon and speak of l’amour, sometimes pausing to kiss soulfully beneath one of the many arched bridges that cross the river. Due to a freak of les acoustiques, love songs are constantly audible at night here, though nobody knows the source.

         

 Do you want to blend in with the locals? Then why not do some shopping? It is a day well spent in one of the many high-end designer stores. These boutiques  (as the locals call them) are where Parisians buy all of their clothing and jewelry. Be warned, though, that the shopkeepers are all snobs and will treat you rudely at first. The most fascinating part of this experience is that no money actually changes hands during the purchase.

         

Paris is also famous for its many monuments. The Louvre is the largest art museum in the world, even though it possesses only one painting. 

I've saved you the trip

Just next door to the Louvre is the Eiffel Tower. This iron structure built for the Paris Exposition in the year 18-something is very frequently the scene of international intrigue. You are advised to take cover immediately if you should see handsome men in suits chasing each another toward its pinnacle.

So pack your beat-up copy of Sartre, grab a bottle of vin and take off for the non-stop glamor of Paris.

Planet Porno

Planet Porno

This planet goes by several names: The locals call it “Erotica” or “Adulfilm.” It is also popularly known as “Wax-tack.” By any name, Planet Porno is a fascinating cultural destination, and people have been traveling there for as long as civilization has existed.

Life for the humanoid creatures on Planet Porno revolves around one activity: sexual intercourse. This one act, vigorously performed, is used as a form of greeting, a means of communication, an act of aggression and replaces every form of social interaction except actual mating. Actual Pornite reproduction and social development remain a mystery to science. Another mystery is the purpose of this constant coitus; to judge from the facial expressions and the general demeanor of the participants, it does not seem to yield any true pleasure, despite the awkward similarities to the human sexual response.

Due to the reduced gravity on Porno, secondary sexual characteristics seem highly exaggerated. There are cases when the breast-like appendages of the females appear to float just below the neck-line.

Although most people will deny ever having been there, and react with disgust at the idea, Porno is one of the most popular tourist destinations today. Bookings for hotel and condo rentals on the planet need not be made in advance. Although there are many who are eager to visit, accommodations can be had at a moment’s notice and for little or no charge. Those who wish for specialized tours may find their needs to be more expensive. 

Tourists usually use an assumed name and it is customary for the booking agents not to ask for identification. Physical exhaustion is a real medical problem on Porno, so visitors are advised to only take short visits. One final warning, although tourists who arrive here are excited and sexually titillated even before they pass through customs, there are atmospheric components that soon cause mild depression and shame.

Louisiana

Louisiana

          Louisiana has only two geographical features: the French Quarter and bayou country. Visitors can easily take them both in in one trip, as they border one another.

          Due to an anomalous fluctuation in space-time, it is always Mardi Gras in the Quarter. Those wishing to visit should wear a comically large fiber glass head, so as to blend in. Be warned, though, that there is always a seedy undercurrent of menace and everybody practices dark voodoo.

Above: The only residential building in the Quarter        

          The pace of life is slower in bayou country. This region is populated exclusively by French-speaking people whose only form of transportation is small boats.

 A view of downtown Baton Rouge, or maybe Lafayette. It also could be Alexandria

          Whether in the French Quarter or the bayou, the residents of Louisiana, called “Cajuns,” all speak English with the same accent, and refer to one another as “chere.”  There are only three family names in the entire state: Boudreaux, Arceneaux and Thibodeaux, although the African American population prefers to use colorful nicknames like “Shaky” or “Big Papa.”

Physics professor 'Ti Jean Arceneaux, posing with his "particle accelerator."

        

         The cuisine in Louisiana is delicious, and we recommend that visitors stop in at one of the many local eateries, where the menu consists exclusively of gumbo, crawfish and alligator.

 

 

 

Land of 1,000 Dances

          

 Those in need of a quick pick-me-up are invited to visit the Land of 1,000 Dances. Tours last only about two minutes and thirty seconds, but are as exhilarating as many longer, more elaborate trips to other destinations.

          The Land of 1,000 Dances is very small, and is entirely surrounded by the Wilson Memorial Picket Fence.  Entrance to this small country is through the main gate, where the fee to enter is 1.23 in the local currency, called the “Wow.”

          Every entrant is welcomed with a horn fanfare. The traditional greeting consists of placing one’s hands on one’s hips, and then allowing one’s backbone to slip. This movement is accompanied by vigorous grunting. The cuisine in this country has only two foods, alligator and mashed potato. Both are served constantly throughout the day and night, and are always hot.

Dancing comprises the entire reason this country exists. Be sure to book well in advance for one of the elite VIP visits. Packages include: doing the Pony with Bony Moronie, or joining Lucy in the Watusi. For those in search of a more intimate experience, Long Tall Sally can be contracted for dances in the alley.

Almost as interesting as its culture dedicated entirely to popular dances of the early 1960s, is the language of the Land of 1,000 dances. It is a linguistic phenomenon that baffles both linguists and semioticians. This language, called “Na,” consists exclusively of that one syllable, chanted repeatedly.  What appears on the written page as a monotonous baby-language is, when spoken, capable of a wide range of emotion.

Although there have been many attempts to duplicate the experience of a visit to the Land of 1,000 Dances in other venues, none has been able to match the original.

This one, for example, is notable for being perfectly square.

Visit it today, and often--repeat visits are heavily encouraged

      

 Heorot (Hrothgar’s hall)   

Those who’ve found the “Medieval Times” dinner shows at popular tourist destinations to be bland and uninteresting will love the Viking Times performance every night in Heorot. Here, powerful warriors of high birth perform their nightly ritual of drinking, carousing, bragging and brawling.

          Until recently, visitors had been warned away from Heorot, due to the infestation of man-eating monsters. However, the proprietors assure us that this problem has been resolved, and that those who decide to drowse drunkenly are no longer in danger of devourings.

          The show begins after dark, but visitors are encouraged to arrive well before sunset, so as not to miss the guided tour of this mightiest of halls splendid and ornamented with gold and foremost of halls under heaven. It is a one-room structure that stands some fifty meters in length. The tour starts by the roasting pit in the center, and then proceeds around the perimeter. Everywhere the walls are hung with plunder taken by Hrothgar himself. Battle axes, spears, shields and innumerable swords catch the eye no matter where one looks. Your guide, the local bard, or “scop,” will recount in dramatic detail the glorious deed that lies behind each of these artifacts.  The greatest of these treasures, though, is hung in the rafters over the doors, and is the final stop on the tour. Here one can marvel at the terrible arm of Grendel, the local monster mentioned above, ripped from its socket by the great Beowulf beneath that very spot.

          The menu in Heorot is wild boar, hunted that very day by daring warriors, and roasted over the massive open pit in the center of the hall. This heroic viand is washed down with tankard after foaming tankard of mead (an ale made from honey). As for vegetables and sides: these are mighty Scyldings, and “such puny fare is for the meek whom we make to cower before us.”

          Having eaten and drunk their fill, the great Danish warriors begin the game of one-upsmanship called “Boasting,” the highlight of the evening. One by one, the now drunken warriors stand and tell of their great feats. However, accusations of lying and cowardice are also frequent. These can lead to bare-knuckle brawling amongst the players, so visitors may want to be careful to sit away from the main action.

          Accommodations are basic: benches for the warriors, and the floor for everyone else. Visitors are advised to make arrangements at one of the nearby farmhouses.